Candlelight Chaos

Dancing in life and partnered with the free will of destiny

General update
This month went by way to quickly. I have been up and down with my moods which hasn't helped anything.

We got to go camping recently and that really helped with me getting a break from my own mindset. Swizzle is fully out of her splints and now working on getting her a bit more in shape and stamina up. Gotta get a bit better of giving her 3 walks a day, which with warmer weather should be easier. Zia who is turning 15 next month is feeling her age. Stiffness in the joints has been the most seen. Dusty can walk a out 1/8th of a mile but vet says thats pretty good with the past damage and severe arthritis she has... but they all were as active as possible on the camping trip.

We actually came home a couple of days early due to having a tire with a slow leak. It wasnt bad since yesterday had high winds.

Cloudy is lookong at switching schools this next school years so hopefully it will work out for him to be close by so we can save on gas and wear and tear. That 18 miles of city driving has no benefits to speak of.

Condor has decided to stay at the college until retirement. That is 8 years away. I will be trying to work on the cabin where I and the pets will be. Been talking to a young lady who is interested in being a full time student of my spiritual path and tribal ways.She most likely is considering moving with me to the cabin as well as helping with the sanctuary that I am currently talking to a few people about down by the country. I still havent gotten back in school yet so that is something still on my today list.

Cloudy and Dreamer is going to be working on the Garden this year. We are looking at maybe making a salad garden as well they are willing to grow some of my own herbs for the teas I make for everyone.

I will try to keep up with better updates but this covers a tas from March. :)

Hope everyone is doing well.

Music of Jan 2017 oracle

As always just for fun but since stopped streaming music had to move to Spotify... had introduced me too so many new or lesser known artists that I do miss it!

1. Lights by Ellie Goulding

2. Heartbeat Song by Kellys Clarkson ft. Ikon

3. Diabolic Crush by Third Realm

4. Face The Truth by Unsung

5. My Mind Playing Tricks on Me by SickTanicK

6. God Be With You Until We Meet Again by David Tolk

7.  Forgiving by Namnambulu, [:SITD:]

8. I Will Fail You by Demon Hunter

9.  Obsolete by Backandtotheleft

10. Philadelphia by Parachute

11. Haunted by GatoPaint

12. Light Up the Darkness by Project Lionheart

13. Streetlights by Building Rome

14. Confined by Mesh

15. Death By Moonlight by Rhea's Obsession

16. Almost Here by Delta Goodrem, Brian McFadden

17. I Don't Deserve You by Plumb, Paul Van Dyk

18. Burn The City by Tragedy Machine

19. Is Nothing Sacred by Meat Loaf

20. I'll Be There by Mike Howard

21. New Elysium by Celldweller

22. First Time by Billie Myers

23. Little Man Big Man by Toad the Wet Sprocket

24. One More Try by Timmy T

25. Chance By Silent Season

26. Not Gonna Die by Skillet

27. My Own Nightmare by Downplay

28. A Neverending Dream by Cascada

29. Somewhere I Belong by Angel's Fall

30. Don't Say A Word (Acoustic Version) by Ely sion

31. Take Control by 3 Pill Morning

Going public

I do not post too often public or just friends. Way too many filters where I put things but anyways deciding to do a brief public so those who want can comment and I can add to additional filters if needed/wanted. So for a few this is a repeat so feel free to skip it.

I have been working with a friend on getting a spiritual circle together again. I asked my old church if I could use a name one of its groups held and I got permission.  So we will see where that goes. To keep up with this or events, let me know.

We did go to Germany this last summer and I had a chance to meet quite a few of Cloudy's dad side of the family. It was quite an adventure. If you want to know more of the drama and trauma of my family life, let me know. There are always good points but on Condor's side a nephew was arrested for Child abuse (towards his brother's son) and we need to travel up to Grants to get a chance to visit the 'nice' side of the family.

Cloudy is teaching middle school but looking at moving towards a high school. Looking at getting him Social Studies certified. Mostly due to his interest in History but he really wants to teach Earth Science and Mathematics. He is teaching Life Science and Math for 7th grade right now.

I still need to get down to my land to build my cabin but haven't had the time and needed additional repairs on the Van. Country life is just having to wait.

Swizzle had her TPLO but that resulted in 2 additional surgeries. So far 18 weeks with a cast/splint. They Change the bandages every 2 weeks. Dusty is having a really hard time moving now days. She can take about 15 steps before needing to rest. Due to the damage and way her hips healed why she was homeless, there is not much the vet can offer. Looking at was to help her get around now with her Physical therapist. Zia is turning 15. Seems hard that we have had her nearly ten years. She is acting like she is hard of hearing now, and her joints feel the weather and stiffness if she isn't too active.

I been dealing with a bit of Genealogy. Recently met a distant cousin's wife online so eager to share info with her when we have time. Planning on trying to get a trip to Arkansas to see family. Just had an early Christmas dinner with my great Uncle at his nursing home.

Been trying to get back to school but things keep coming up so hopefully next summer it will be possible again. Just need to brush up again on my math. I forget so much of it so easily.

Been working a bit with Peer support groups and working with a couple of people on trying to develop a online support group for people who need it.

So I will end it there for now. Hope everyone will have a great holiday!

In Light of Wrongs
First, I am apologize for not getting holidays off. I have been really off with my energy. Even sometimes sleep seems like it is taking more energy then giving back.

I am trying not to stress get the best of whatever energy I have left to do stuff but boy... even just a basic meal with family is getting the best of me sometimes. I really need my body to reboot and get back to something decently productive and able.

I didn't sign up for classes for next term although it was something I was looking forward but over the last 2 months my headaches have increased and maintained too much for me to feel I could handle deadlines or that amount of energy outlay but we will see if I can't sneak in a short term one later innthe term once I can see my doc and get the other appointments lined up.

Well anyhow this is just a brief update. Not even ten but ready for bed. :(

The Action Reaction Wheel.
I have has pen pals since first grade. By 12 I was writing international pen pals. It tapered off around 25 to mostly email pen pals and a few who we would talk on journals. So over the last few years been getting a bit into text pals and trying to a few more email pals.

Soo... what happened to the motion? It seems people forgot the skill of adding more to the conversation! Might go good a day or two or even for a week with basic ice breakers but then it feels like they don't bother.
"Hi. How are you?" Will end with a okay, good, maintaining or whatever and then nothing else. I return asking how the day or an event went. Same single answers. Then after a few days, I will usually say email or text when you have time. Then next text from them I get usually over a week or so is asking why I stopped talking to them. I have even blunted asked them to give me a full sentence anwser. So instead of Okay. I'm ok..... and nothing more. I ask them if they want to know anything about me, new mexico, etc... nope, or never been there, or the most basic... Do you plan to come to America or how did you learn how to speak in English. Because SOMEHOW New Mexico is forgotten about in multiple grades, weather stations, or news broadcast because people keep putting me in Mexico and not part of the USA.

Back on track... It is not suppose to be a one person show. You can not expect someone to carry the conversation for very long before it does become a Monologue and as everyone here knows I can manage that just fine without trying to engage someone to fluff it up. So, the idea of pen pals and pen friends for me is not to voice my thoughts but to give back.
I recently started writing federal prisoners. My golly, they don't have much going on in their life and can still send 2 to 5 pages worth a week of thoughts and interests. So I feel it's scary to think people who long to connect to people outside don't think twice on how to keep a rolling conversations and people who work, do school, have a family life, read new books, go to events or even just stay at home at watch cable shows can not even answer a sentence or more and completely ignores giving the other person a reason to keep talking... then somehow makes it about not being good enough for me, or that I was bitch anyways.

Making me really think Facebook click like, and pokes or how many movies icons you share from netflix or who is onlibe to send gifts or life for phone games..will be soon how people measure the pride they have with the 'relationships' to all these people they interact with.

It can be easy how some people get the feeling no one is listening even they don't try to say anything.

Okay vent/pondering over.

Music for October
October 1st: All I Ever Wanted. by Kelly Clarkson

October 2nd: The Beautiful People by. Marilyn Manson

October 3rd: The Slow Cruel Hands of Time. by Bands of Horses.

October 4th: Love ain't Enough by the Bar Brothers

October 5th: Devil We Know by Lily and Madeleine

October 6th: Butterfly by Serj Tankian

October 7th: First Time by Rotersand

October 8th: Speak by Godsmack

October 9th: Perfect Sunrise. By. Stromkern

October 10th: Senorita by 3ce and J simms

October 11th: Breaking Away by Jako Graham

October 12th: Calling For You. By Iris DeMent

October 13th: All Grown Up. By. Gore Gore girls.

October 14th: Leave All This Behind. By Assemblage 23.

October 15th: Sunshine by Skylar Grey

October 16th: Hey by. Filip Jensen

Oct 17: Dear Money. By Josh Wilson

October 18th: Chain Lightning by Deborah Allen

October 19th: Chi Mi Nor Morbheanna by The Rankin Family

October 20th: Sleepingwalking by Daniel Cage

October 21st: Birds On Sunday by. Royal Wood

October 22nd: Angel in Blue Jeans by Train

October 23rd: Changed My Mind by E-Dubble

October 24th: All by Blackbird Blackbird

October 25th: Tears by Bonnie Tyler

October 26th: Hooked by Seabound

October 27th: Suffocate by El Caco

October 28th: Fix Me by Velvet

October 29th: Siren's Song by Edge of Dawn

October 30th: I Would Go by Smooth

October 31st: This Time by 3 Doors Down

Body: Jesse's Girl by Rick Springfield.
Mind: One of These Days by Emmylou Harris
Spirit: Stop the Bleeding by Sarah Darling

Wealth by Means
Sometimes it can hard to know when to spend money and when to hold back. I used to be a lot better at keeping a running balance and have a bit more of a rainy day fund. Between emergencies, addictions of others and such it really had demoralized me for much of budgeting. It seemed all for not. Lately been really thinking about it. We have a few monthly bills that will be paid but some others aren't really a concern since they are more personal based and it is a give and take with people involved. So sometimes it's difficult to remember to keep that balance in check too.

Been talking to a few people on a slightly spiritual level and I think had has been helping me reassess my own position in the family as well as in the check book.

It also gives me decent reasons to be a bit more hopeful and plan ahead even if it's long shots. I used to do things on faith a lot but has become less and less because sometimes faith under fire just seems like a mute story when only one has it vocally and mentally. Maybe science is the answer but for me I have the faith that science is ever changing and many principals won't change but the applications of them will.

I am not worried of having a a stash of cash or be able to get a new car every couple of years. I want a home big enough that friends and family can find it a retreat too, a place safe and healthy for fostering children and caring for the elders as events come up. I want a place my pets are safe but have room to play a modest income for bills, unexpected expenses, and a bit of play money. I don't need to be on a cruise every year or get the next new game or computer. I know this is doable even on low incomes with the right frame of mind and long term planning as well as short term purchases.

Well random thoughts of the night.

A day late in dreams.
I was going to write last night. Got talking to a girlfriend and then fell asleep. So writing now to play a little catch up.

There is a lot of issues with me and education and lack of brain cells sometimes. I have become a bit more clear in my beliefs on some topic and sometimes fell more challenged then I should in basic discussions.

Like dreams to me is very important. Not so much because of the subtle under tones. I am usually a lucid dreamer so that can hinder the symbolically strong some dreams offer.

I do remember a time dreams and my reality wasn't to far apart. It has kinda got twisted and pushed away a bit from my daily life. It seemed to be uncomfortable for others when I did base things on how it did work in a dream. Yep, there was days a random decision would be made solely based on a dream.

For me it never felt strange or risky. Things haven't always been just as the dream but close enough not to feel it completely unexpected results.

Well gotta sleep but a few pennies of my thoughts.

Ripples among the reflections.
In time we tend to change our view points and what we stand for but there times where reflecting on the fragments of what once was is needed. This passage of time may take away what we recall and sometime other people to assist us to see the full picture or even fill in gaps we never we able to see before. This can be a mixed blessing. Sometimes is reminds of places, people and possibilities that were good or bad. Bring out where we faltered or where we frayed and need to fix up before it erodes the good that came of the growing and learning experience.

I know there was a handful of people that I trusted without question. There was lessons I learned thoroughly and it shaded the view of the world around me. I want to take care of those around me but sometimes I haven't been the best to do the job with the best of grace or humility. I never have lacked passion in trying to be there for someone or to stand by someone bit the passion isn't always calm waters for the relationship of those involved. This aspect is something I still strive to balance.

Turmoil and disasters can be a link between me and most people I feel closest too. I believe in a mix of will and fate to leads us to where we stand now. It is not to leads us to a great fall or great glory but to find the greatest within ourselves or find the depths we can stumble our way into. This is mostly going to be based on what we accept, learn, or reject and ignore. It can be hard for us to calm our own raging emotions and have faith in our own logical practices. Seeing the blessing in blazing heat or feeling stillness in turbulent storms of actions and reactions around us. Knowing ourselves can be as important as knowing the skills to save another's life or soul. Getting lost in a purpose can make us just as lost within as it fulfills us. Being a friend changes as we change and the relationship ebbs and flows with experiences to make stronger ties and precious moments or burn bridges of trust and faith.

Sometimes learning when the strongest action we can take is standing still can be one of the hardest lessons. We are usually taught to get up and do something to get things to change or to walk in another direction. Sometimes watching the follow through is something bitter to swallow but refreshing after first impressions are over.

Sometimes it's hard to admit the one person we need in our corner is really our ownself. It's so easy to acknowledge that we sometimes need someone else but harder to admit to ourselves when our own doubts, insecurities and haunting memories are getting over riding our faith in our own strengths and abilties.

We each have a chosen set of interests and passions by nature and some by choice.

For now, the unknown to be embraced and that which was known to be distant and allowed to float by. Knowing what is to be can only be if we accept the unknown factors to hold our hand for the next step least at times knowing is just as hindering as being blind to the events around us.


Fear and Facces

It's amazing how I have been considered most titles... from pagan to christian right, from liberal without logic to republican conservative, to being trailer trash, to a mini socialite. 


It's all to me a form of discrimination to label anyone or anything we don't fully understand. So for me, everyone should be given an individual value if we are to ever to expect to break the cycles of apathy towards those who don't fit our own models. I am not a socialist by practice but I do have an open door policy. I don't have much money but if someone has the shakes and need a drink, I don't feel it's my place to judge their needs and wants so likely I will give my change. I have friends in most all religions, I have friends of many ethic backgrounds and people from all economical classes.  I am blessed that these people could look beyond labels, blinders or boxing me in before they got to know me. To me they really do prove that people. can be individuals and valued above colored blind or religious freedoms...I can be proud to be who I am without feeling that people would see it as hostile act towards them.


I made mistakes. I learned from them. I have pride I sometimes have to swallow. I have scars that I sometimes feel they need to hide. I am not perfect in most ways but I am perfect at being me and knowing I too sometimes judge when I shouldn't, give allowances that I shouldn't and critize when I have been just a guilt of the same error. I need to improve, that is where I trust my friends and families to step. Non-involvement might make it easier but I do believe in community and empathy even to those who might become a rival. There isn't a history that makes someone less valued, there isn't a family that reflects each of the individuals..


Not the best but I love to hear what people think and feel. I may not agree for me or my lifestyle but I hope to practice the belief that all views are important and has some seed of truth and divine spirit but it does get filtered through our experiences and polluted as we feel the need to impose it on others. Still working on it and wanting to improve to see the value of each person and not the labels we declared on others or even ourselves.

may monthly music oracle

May 1st: Up by the Saturdays
May 2nd: Eurotrash by Zeromancer
May 3rd: Sillyworld  by Stone Sour
May 4th: Criticize  by  Adelitas Way
May 5th: Troubled Dreams by Mankind is Obsolete
May 6th: The Apex Doctrine  by  System Divide
May 7th: Energy  by  Skillet
May 8th: Ave Maria  by  Charles Gounod
May 9th: Unexpected by  Neuroticfish
May 10th: Motivation  by  Kelly Rowland
May 11th: Best In Me  by  Sent By Ravens
May 12th: Watch me  by  Bella Throne
May 13th: Watching over Me  by  Thousand Foot Krutch
May 14th: King  by  King Gordy
May 15th: All Pro  by  Esham
May 16th: Rest in Pieces  by  Mesh
May 17th: Cold Comfort (Run Level Zero)  by  Pzychobitch
May 18th: Halielujah by  Alexandra Burke
May 19th: Ok  by  Psy'aviah
May 20th: Smoot flavor  by Novastar
May 21st: Transfer:complete  by  Icon of Coil
May 22nd: It's not Me It's You  by  Skillet
May 23rd: Nothing Nowhere  by  Jakalope
May 24th: Bleed Me Dry  by  The Murder of My Sweet
May 25th: Drive  by  Assemblage 23
May 26th: Beautiful  by  Anders Manga
May 27th: No Transmission  by  Endanger
May 28th: Streetcorner Symphony by Rob Thomas
May 29th:  The Sparrows and The Nightingales  by  Wolfsheim
May 30th: Black Dahlia  by  Hollywood Undead
May 31st: Too Late  by  Dead By Sunrise

comments and letters

Hi everyone,
I wanted to thank everyone for the comments and letters of support and understanding. I haven't gotten back to replie for everyone yet but I wanted to leave a note so you all know it was acknowledged and I will respond within the next couple of days.


Thank you all again!

Music 22nd to 3pth

22nd: Elements  by Necessary Response
23rd: Stand Up (extended mix) by Stromkern
24th: Hooked (Redical Mix)  by  Seabound
25th: Epiphany  by  Solitary Experiments
26th: Master  by  Interlace
27th: Like Every Insect  by  System Syn
28th: Supernova  by  Syrian
29th: Docment (original mix) by  Assemblage 23
30th: If We Stay Here  by  Mesh


Music for 8-14
8th: Sealed with a kiss  by Jason Donovan
9th: Vapor by  Necessary Response
10th: Grace  by  Leandra
11th: Evacuate the Dance Floor  by  Cascada
12th: Obstinance  by  Flesh Field
13th: Love in Stereo  by  Sky Ferreira
14th: If You Wanna Get to Heaven  by  he Ozark Mountain Daredevils

music for Apirl 1st to 7th

1st: Envoi  by absynthe Minded
2nd:  Akua Tuta  by  Kashtin
3rd:  Catastrophe  by  Anders Manga
4th:  The Rain within Her Hands  by  Belle Morte
5th:  Send me an Angel  by  Zeromancer (next post about it)
6th: Entropy  by  Informatik
7th: Rock and Rock Lullaby


Giving up and getting attention

Sometimes it's difficult to believe people drawn to drama that the event is as damaging to them as they really speak of it...but it changes when the drama becomes quiet and indifferent. When the 'I can't go on' becomes a 'whats the point trying'... when the caps in writing becomes more formal and impersonal or the tears and silent and for a change they hide them.


It indeed makes the event MORE now to us outside of the mind. When we see someone who never want to shrug the smallest thing off starts trying to numb out and not ever care about issues that had matter... The alarms go off and the height of awareness flares. However, with drama seekers, these few events doesn't always result in something serious but a sudden understand that for a change it really is hurting unlike the past, the true questions of how to move forward or even how to communicate what happened or what one really feels strangles in their throat...and as an outsider initial all we can do is offer silent support and encourage them to talk, to cry and t accept the depths the events.



March 1st: Smoke  by Assemblage 23
March 2nd: Lonely  by  Shannon Noll
March 3rd: Do I Need A Reason  by  D'sound
March 4th: Ondine's Curse  by  Ashentide
March 5th: Anarchy  b Skazi
March 6th: Here Comes The Rain by Eurythmics
March 7th: In This Together  by Apopgyma Bezerk
March 8th: The Thin Ghost  by  The Hare and the Moon.
March 9th: I Don't Want To Wait  by  Paula Cole
March 10th: The Loss. The Fall. The End.  By Before and After Science
March 11th: Ugly  by  Sugababes 
March 12th: Denied  by  Sonic Syndicate
March 13th: Together We Can Shine  by  Andien
March 14th: Telling Lies  by  Grafton Primary
March 15th: The Best It's Gonna Get  by  Celldweller
March 16th: Here Me Now  by  Endless Shame
March 17th: Silence  by  Selena  Cross
March 18th: Your Loving Arms (club mix)  by  Karen Overton
March 19th: Made In Heaven  by  Deine Lakaien
March 20th: Sacred Smoke  by Eric Casillas
March 21st: Everything  Burns  by  Ben Moody (ft. Anastasia)
March 22nd: Stay  by  Shakespear's sister
March 23rd: Holle (meow mix)  by  Ivoux
March 24th: Paper Mansion  by  Dottie West
March 25th:  Reach Down  by  Scarlet Haze
March 26th:  Forever (psymix by negative format)  by  Bruderschaft
March 27th: Garden of Dreams  by  Gary Stadler
March 28th: Mo Ba Bin  by  Flip Kowlier
March 29th: Goodbye  by  Bow Ever Down
March 30th: Flight  by Cesium 137
March 31st: Nobot  by  Darkology
My 36th Year: Voices Carry  by Til Tuesday
Body; Party Til We Die  by  Corporate Soldiers
Mind; Heaven Only Knows  by  Richard Marx
Spirit; Black Sky  by  Meden Agan


Geology in NM....for those interested
feil has been getting into geology a bit more even on a few field trips.. I know a couple of you are interested in rocks and science soo thought I would mention he put up a little journal, with photos, about Bandelier (Other part not to famous cave dwelling section) for you all could spend a moment looking it over.

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas! Blessed Solstice, and all the other reasons to celebrate! 


A few of my cards were late getting off due to me being ill most of the month. Hopefully everyone will get them by the weekend! Have a blessed new year!


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