Candlelight Chaos

Dancing in life and partnered with the free will of destiny

Land, Cold toes and a cold.

A brief update before I sleep. We haven't had the time or energy we hoped to go to the land since the summer. We did get the shed up for supplies and basics so we wouldn't need to haul everything each time. We did see the results of a minor flash flood. We are on the lower side of the hill so quite a bit of water gathers at the foot of the land near the main bridge. We may be a wee bit of a rough drive way on that side but looking at maybe taking the time, energy and Mooney to make a nice bridge. Really don't need it but I think it will look nice and we won't have to rebuild the drive way if we get more flash floods.


When I was a kid there was no worried when I would be outside barefoot. Even in winter it never bothered me. When I was a teenager and did some backpacking and winter camping then it became over an issue. When I first got mild frost bite it didn't seem like a deal but a few repeats and such and now days it's so hard to keep me toes comfortable. Too cold most of the time and buring up other times. Last doc I talked to about it told me just try to wear double socks... well that didn't help. If my toes start to sweat, they start to ache so them being a little cold is usually better then too warm and increased ache.  :-(  Wish there was a way to find a happy medium with my toes.


The last week and a few days I went from a sinus infection to a head cold to a chest cold and now both a lingering head/chest cold and the guys got it too. :-(  I am a couple of weeks behind in my math class (I can not believe how much I forgot!) and will mostly be working on it for most of the weekend. Took m history midterm and got a 100 (kinda let us check out work which helped!) and only an 80 on my Anthro chapter that I skimmed through. Althought I thought I would have no problem getting an A...if I keep slipping on the chapter tests I won't be able to get better than a B. How I am not happy right now with my glitchy brain!


Carrying Stars to The future

Hi everyone,


I have added a few active writers  here on LJ over the last few months. Mainly a lot of the old journals are not daily writers, or write in groups (fanfic and ssuch) which I don't regularly read. I do check my friend's page a few times a week at the least do I am reading even I am not writing much. I don't mind removing friends when I know they moved else where or started  a different account but otherwise I keep the friend in hopes they might come back or start writing again. so in that aspect, I am hoarding friends but sadly it's not reflective in my friends page due to many being offline or inactive.


If you like comments, just comment here and I will tgake note and try to make point to comment to the entries I read. I haven't read as regularly I had over the summer since I have returned to school part time and struggling with being back in study modes.


I also been fighting a bit of a headache the last few days so that's been playing havoc with my vision. So there is that recent delay as well.


I know I have been going a bit heavy with music and most of you probably got in a habit of skipping over them but when I do feel a bit restless or too much in mind going on it is a why to make me at least get on here and see if something 'clicks' where I might write more instead of  going within which I have bad habit of doing at times and need to get much better of writing things out before the overwhelm my brain. Too much makes it more difficult to write and usually ends up getting maybe a paragraph or two out before I move on.... a sign of my higher level of input instead of a output when I know writing becomes difficult to do but also shades of my own efforts.


I hope everyone is having a great week!

Tags: ,

Music for the 18th

Song of the day;  Faithfully  by  Journey


Mind: 24 hours  by  4th25
Body:  Woman of Earth  By  Spiral Dance
Spirit:  The Truth Behind  By  Tothem
Cloudy: Lake Charlevoux  by Dana Falconberry
Byron: Never Ending Stories  by Limahl
Swizzle: The Rain Within Her Hands  by Belle Morte
Cd; Silences  by  Mandragora Scream
Medic:  Drown  by  Imperative Reaction
Hermit: Amsterdam  by Luminary


September Music
1st: Three Days Grace  ~ Riot
2ns: Whisperium ~ Agony
3rd: Sebastien  ~  Remiel in Flames
4th: DJ Roxx  ~  Rock the Bass
5th: Belle Morte  ~  Fall No More
6th: Yazoo ~  Don't Go
7th: Gareth Gates  ~  Anyone Of Us
8th: Guns N' Roses  ~  Welcome To the Jungle
9th: Meden Agan  ~  Universe Unseen
10th: Ronny Rainbow  ~  2204
11th: Player  ~ Baby Come Back
12th:Glen Campbell  ~ Old Toy Trains
13th: De/Vision  ~  Back In My Life
14th: Autograph  ~  Turn Up the Radio
15th: China Anne McClain  ~ Calling All The Monsters
16th: Ex Libris  ~  Breathe With Me
17th: Ravenfrost  ~  Kenophobia
18th: Michael Bolton ~ Missing You Now
19th: Pure Prairie League  ~  Amie
20th: Serj Tankian  ~  Saving Us
21st: Paula  ~  Crazy Cool
22nd:Fear of Tigers  ~ I Can Make The Pain Disappear
23rd: Young Wa  ~  It's Official
24th: A Perfect Circle  ~  Annihilation
25th: Michelle Mays ~ Fireleap
26th: Realtime Travelers  ~  Like A Songbird That Has Fallen
27th: Binocular ~  You
28th: Mesh ~ Petrified
29th: Toby Keith  ~  He Ain't Worth Missing
30th: Lil' Wayne  ~  Drop the World

August music
1. Aftermath  by  Battery
2. Everything I do  by  Bryan Adams
3. Suffocating Right  by  Neuroticfish
4. Razorwire by  Mesh
5. Faith  by Sandy Scofield
6. My Roots Are Showing  by  Crystal Shawanda
7. Remember the Name  by  Fort Minor
8. Heaven's waiting by XXX's car ride
9. The End by  Frozen Plasma
10. Reload Your Life  by  Blue Hand
11. Souls of My Ancestors  by  Delia Charika
12. Ikkunaprinsessa  by Ville Vato
13. Walhalla  by  Gouryella
14. The Lead Sprinkler  By  John 5
15. Call The Ships Into Port  by  Covenant
16. A Simple Restriction  by  God Module
17. Cast away  by  Stromkern
18. Faithfully  by  Journey
19. East Virginia  by  Buell Kazee
20. Uninvited  by  Alanis Morissette
21. Chill  by  Kevin Cadogan
22. Overdue n by  Bloodwire
23. Wolfen One  by  Heather Alexander
24. Demeter's Daughter  by  Shawna Carol
25. Promises Made  by  Tiffany
26. What You're Made of  by  Lucie Silvas
27. Fight Inside  by  Red
28. Frozen Tears  by  Mishi Donovan
29. She's Not the Cheatin' Kind  by  Brooks & Dunn
30. Picking Fights  by  Kyle Smith
31. Where do I Fit In The Picture  by  Clay Walker

Mind: Trying To Love You  by  Trisha Yearwood
Body: Keeping Coming Back  by  Haley Reinhart
Spirit: Too Bad  by Nickelback

Todays music
A quickie here...

Overall song: I Knew You Were Waiting  by Aretha Franklin & George Michaels
Mind: My Side of the Story  by  Hodges
Body:We Are The Music  by  Grafton Primary
Spirit: Song of the Martyr   by  Imperative Reaction

songs of the day

Been a long Sunday and honestly forgot to do music for yesterday so probably was a blessing. Up and down day for me. Hopefully I will be calmer tomorrow and not in so much discomfort from my body.


Overall: Eclipse  by  Apoptygma Berzerk
This song's start kinda reflects some of how I feel life is trying to be for me.


Mind: Shelter  by  Icon of Coil
In a lot of ways this song reminds me of my 1st husband. He was a good man and tried so hard to make this a better place. He left us way to soon. I often feel I failed to have the life and impact that he gave his all for. In a lot of ways I wonder if he along was able to the fate was suppose lie ahead of me. As silly as it sounds he seemed to have such confidence that the chaotic ways of the world was just a well designed ballet and he proudly accepted his steps. I wish that was something I could tap into.


Body: Real To Me  by  Brian  McFadden


  This seems most likely something that could never really fit me life. My guys work is real and their plans as real as they come and something they can take pride in. The home life for most of is second thought and our focus flickers on the home life from time to time. Usually more a figment of a blurry dream floating on by.


Spirit: Forgotten Hopes  by  Anathema


First time hearing it. wondering how deep it can travel.


Since I feel the need for music adding a few more...


Song of the North: Not Meant to Be  by  Theory Of A Deadman


This would fit so many friendships that drifted in and out of my life.  There is a statement in there that really shows my own thoughts a bit. 'Can't give you want and it's killing me'


Song of the East: When They Come For Me  By  Linkin Park
  Well its an interesting song.


Song of the South: Ignite  by  Diorama
  I can't recall the song so it's a first.


Song of the West: Further to Fall  by Imperative Reaction


..........hrm.... not crazy about the song here.



Todays music
Overall:  Trouble Mind  by  Catie Curtis   (This could be a good song for me some days. )
Mind:  Been So Long  by  Soldier Hard   (hrm...)
Body: Love Like Crazy  by  Lee Brice  (Might be an interesting day with this song. :P)
Spirit: Fire  by  Matthew "Mdot" Finley
My Shadow self:  Sometimes   by   Deine Lakaien (This is indeed a song I have used when I have questioned my own journey and beliefs so fitting for a shadow-side of me. )

This weekend is going to be pretty long but looking forward to it. Hopefully the move for social hour will be smooth enough to make it a quick and painless transition. I just hope this heat will lessen by Sunday! :(

Song of the day
Overall: Tears of Pearls  by  Savage Gardens  (This is one of my favorite songs by the band. I do connect it to a few friends and events. Including the first few months I knew Spider.)

Mind: Heartaches Every Moment  by  HIM  (This song usually keeps my more in the vein of thinking of some youths that had been in my life when I too was younger and nothing I could do to help them.

Body: Sins  by  Funker Vogt  (Super great song to dance to or to turn up loud.... Maybe something tomorrow night I can consider)

Spirit: Mahe'kun Waits For Me  by  Mishi Donovan  (One of my favorite songs by her! I used to love using this song to help me when I wrote aspects for some rituals that was done from CES and smaller groups. It was inspiring for me, as well as when I was writing for myself things that I may not have had much energy to write with.)

For my shadow side: Overseas  by Syn Synx

Song of the day
Overall:  Salvation  by  Imperative Reaction  (For me this would match how I feel that my spider feels about my own faith and state of religion.)

Mind: She's More  by  Andy Griggs  (I used to love this song. It reminded me of the good days my parents had. You could still see moments that there was still love after 25 years of marriage, they saw 32 years before they parted ways)

Body: Need  by Hana Pestle

Spirit: Gangsta's Paradise   by  Battery (Okay, I LOVE Maria Azevedo voice! I have followed most of her bands to a small degree. Some people are probably really glad it's this song compared to some of her 'angry woman songs')

Just had to......

Song of the day
Overall:  I swear   by All-4-One
Mind: Lullaby  by   Assemblage 23
Body:  The Mile  by   Etched In Red
Spirit: Under the Gun   by  Lita Ford (hrm... Not sure what to make of this one!)

Song of the day
Really a messed up day for me. Looking for a better tomorrow.

June 21st 2013: OVERALL SONG:  If I Could Turn Back Time   by  Cher
Actually there are some aspects of this song which would fit today's melt-down.

Mind aspect: That's Just Me  by  Eekwol   (......... Some of it can be too truthful in her songs!)
Body: Picking Fights  by  Kyle Smith  (Seems too calm for the day)
Spirit:  En Natt I Nord  by  Midnattsol  (The line that fit right now is: Vinden bringer friskt mot,Mot til å løse meg fra min rot)

June 22nd 2013:Overall:  I'm Breathing  by  Jet Black State
After today this may actually be a small improvement over the 21st.

Mind: Look In my Eyes  by  Rains   (Clearly needing to clear a bit more off my mind.... Maybe I will write more later)
Body: Zeit   by  Namnambulu  (Ahh the wonder of the effects of time)
Spirit: Frailty  by  Paradise Lost  (I never can not think of PL BBS when I see the name. A handful of crushes on there)

Song For The Summer: Ground  by   Assemblage 23

Be still
Though chaos rains around you now
Only so much rain can fall at once
Breathe in
And let the air envelope you
And slow but sure, serenity will come

Close your eyes
Try to breathe
Feel the ground beneath your feet
It's still there
The world still turns around

Stand up
Though circumstance has knocked you down
There is nothing gained by staying within it's reach

Take strength
In every failure you endure
Our mistakes have many lessons they can teach

Close your eyes
Try to breathe
Feel the ground beneath your feet
It's still there
The world still turns around

These walls you've built around yourself
You can't take another step until they're gone

Move out
No use in dwelling in the past
Bid farewell to all your fears and carry on

Song for June 12th
I will write more on it  later but kinda tired but don't want to miss today's song. :)

Break me, Shake me by Savage Garden.

 Although I would not call myself a Savage Garden fan by any means there are a few songs of theirs that I really do like.  Tears of Pearls being on of my faves, and second would be affirmations so it is kinda surprising still when I get one of their songs played on my   :) Anyhow until later, have a great day everyone!

Song of the day

The song is:  The Way I Feel  by  12 stones.</p>

Actually right now this song does fit how I am tonight. A lot of changes are going through my life and a lot of switching thoughts are filling my head. I am not ready to write too openly about it write now...

I had a long talk with Condor today. I feel like I was losing my mind. Several bridges are on the verge of goiing up in flames. somehow even with all the flames it seems hopeless to try and find warmth or light in this experience. Being lost in the darkness is not always a bad thing and being forgotten by others is a dark blessing for all parties.

From time to time the right choices of the past seems like the biggest mistakes. especially from a selfish point of view. Its really easy to see what we want especially when others can make it happen. Getting a degree instead of learning a skill. Getting married instead of working on the relationship. Staying in our comfort zone because somehow those 'will be' can not be denied to us there than we take a risk and lose that safety net.

There are places where truth and lies are the same. Requests and commands are reflective of each other. We find lies more to comfort our minds or hearts but in time those blankets become plastic and choke the relationship's air and will to survive. Sometime letting go is what we want to do but without knowing if its really what we are suppose to do.

Promises vary as well from something we will get around to or marriage vows where we have them everyday and expected to follow it. Sometimes there is a paradise outside of where our choices have lead. It can be easy to see and to run to but sometimes the people we left behind won't welcome us back.

Much like military service some take promises through out life and others its only when it serve them. Such as though who see it as a paycheck and those who see it as a reason to serve even onto the highest sacrifice.

Sometimes contracts change and forever just seems to come to an end.

Tags: ,

June 10th and 11th Song
Imperative Reaction - Minus All

Trisha Yearwood - Trying to love you

Been a few days of headaches and a little bit more on my mind but not something I feel like I can write about too publicly at this time. So I will post the 7 directions with music. :)

North: Red --- Fight Inside   "We both know how this will end, But I'd do it again."
East: Love and Theft  --- Runaway  "And from the rearview, I've got clear view Of who I used to be"
South: HammerFall --- Always Will Be  "And when I turn to the west, the silent night hides all"
West: Reba McEntire --- One Promise Too Late  "I've got to stand behind the promise I made"
Above: Pride and Fall --- Elements of Silence  "Tempting my fate in a faithful way"
Below: Diamond Rio ---  You're Gone  "How far the simple truth would lead"
Center: Backandtotheleft --- Misstep  "We thrive - on faith's seductive clutch"

Backdated songs
June 7th was: Cruxshadows  ~~~ My World

My World

This room is screaming emptiness
silence breaks the air
it leaves me lying on the floor
it leaves me dying there

crawling through the trenches
you stand behind each door
blood & sweat & muddy water
up against the crashing shore

Take my hand, it's my world
understand we'll make it real
play with me in my world

all of this is my world

black fire rising higher
it breaks across the line
there's hell to pay
and we'll pay all day
because the fire's mine

The source is moving closer
I can taste the water now

I feel the heavens shaking
as angels come dropping down

June 8th's song: De/Vision  ~~~  I'm Not Dreaming Of You

Getting under my skin
My plane just hit the ground
Got control over me
Got a rise out of me
Full tilt against the wall

Of all the things I would ever do
I only regret the fact
That I ever put my trust in you

I can't go on denying
A part of me is dying
Whenever I'm in you
Is it me?
Is it you?
I can't go on pretending
This is how we're ending
I stopped dreaming of you
And the things we would do

Like a thorn in the side
A distortion of life
No way
Can't take another day
Every storm you create
Every feeling I fake
Wake up
My truth became a slut

How hard you try
No matter what you do
In the end, my dear
Your love won't never be enough for two

I can't go on denying
A part of me is dying
Whenever I'm in you
Is it me?
Is it you?
I can't go on pretending
This is how we're ending
I stopped dreaming of you
And the things we would do

I can't go on denying...

June 9th Song: Assemblage 23 ~~~ Drive


When chaos reigns without a purpose
When the swell of sound becomes too much
Crushed between the cogs that work us
When I feel I'm slowly losing touch
Sometimes I drive to run from all my demons
Sometimes I drive so I can be alone
Sometimes I drive to see the world in different light
Sometimes I drive for no reason at all
When the walls close in around me
When the ceiling's caving in
When anxiety surrounds me
When my patience is wearing thin
The open road unwinds before me
An onyx ribbon spreading out
No idea where I'll be going
Sometimes the journey is what counts


During Citrine Breezes

Today has been an up and down day for me. I found a place to go get fried oysters here in Albuquerque for Uncle. The down side is its at a fairly crowd noisy place and costs a lot more than I like to pay (of course I eat out often so that does reflect) and well not a top place on my life. Found some smaller places for half Shelved oysters but that wasn't what uncle wanted.


My little man had asked a while back that if I would mind if his uncle and aunt could adopt him. I said I would stand in the way if that is what he really wanted. Today it was made official. Hopefully it will help him have the stability he thinks he need.


Spider seems to be a little moody and emotional. He has been helpful though the day so at least he is still able to be physically engaged when needed.


Tags: , ,

June 6th Song
I am going to keep this one short since I am actually pretty darn tired. I have heard this song a few times and although it's not directly connected to someone. It seems like this would be a really good song for when I feel a bit overwhelmed by my own state of mind. It would have fit pretty good this evening.

Subkulture feat. Klayton of CelldwellerErase us

I can't take another complication
have mercy please God erase us
(I can't take another complication
have mercy please God erase us)
erase usss ..

Let me breathe check destroy and upset
on focusing destractions tear me open
all the thoughts in my head are constantly .. haunting me
I hope that I don't bore you while I whine about it
I hope you won't be saddened while I cry about it
(I keep telling myself that there's something more
I keep telling myself that there's something more)
I'm lost in this place it's such a waste
I can't watch things further complicate
so if it all fails just throw it back in my face and bury me

I can't take another complication
have mercy please God erase us
(I can't take another complication
have mercy please God erase us)
erase usss ..

Everyday I wake up to stagnant bullshit
as soon as I escape there's more stagnant bullshit
this endless propaganda (corporate agenda)
I'd like to think there's more something more
I hope that I don't bore you while I whine about it
I hope you won't be saddened while I cry about it
so if it all fails just throw it back in my face and bury me
I'm lost in this place it's such a waste
I can't watch things further complicate

(have mercy please God erase us)
(have mercy please God erase us)
(I can't take another complication)
(have mercy please God erase us)
(please God erase us)
(I can't take another complication

Song for the Dreamscape:
Melt into your eyes  by  Faderhead

Sometimes I'm just lost for word
And I don't know what to say
This feels so good it almost hurts
Hope we'll never fade away

When I look at you today
There's nothing else that I gotta say
cause I melt into your eyes again

If I need to lose control
I know that you will hold my soul
Deep inside I feel this glow
"You" and "me" will make "us" whole.

This song actually feels like it fit where both my dreams have been and my faith even when there is darkness in the eyes. :)

June 4th Song
Before I get into writing on the song. I wanted to let everyone I know I have not been commenting much but I have been downloading onto my LJ phone app so I can read when I was offline and have a few minutes here and there. I also have missed some Birthday's so...  Happy Belated birthdays to all those I did not get a chance to send a personal Happy Happy Birthday note to. Hope it will be the best year yet and only a start for what will be ahead!

Song of the day:
  Comatose  by  Skillet

This band has several strong ties to people and events. The song its' self is over shadowed by this. This band has been tied to several Suicide attempts (of others) as well as a couple of funerals. Not a song I would say encourages a good outlook but in a lot of way this song does give me hope for what is to come. Maybe it's sleep is needed or maybe there just isn't enough to break it down to really add more about the song itself. So I will call it a night there! :)


Log in