Candlelight Chaos

Dancing in life and partnered with the free will of destiny

Ripples among the reflections.
In time we tend to change our view points and what we stand for but there times where reflecting on the fragments of what once was is needed. This passage of time may take away what we recall and sometime other people to assist us to see the full picture or even fill in gaps we never we able to see before. This can be a mixed blessing. Sometimes is reminds of places, people and possibilities that were good or bad. Bring out where we faltered or where we frayed and need to fix up before it erodes the good that came of the growing and learning experience.

I know there was a handful of people that I trusted without question. There was lessons I learned thoroughly and it shaded the view of the world around me. I want to take care of those around me but sometimes I haven't been the best to do the job with the best of grace or humility. I never have lacked passion in trying to be there for someone or to stand by someone bit the passion isn't always calm waters for the relationship of those involved. This aspect is something I still strive to balance.

Turmoil and disasters can be a link between me and most people I feel closest too. I believe in a mix of will and fate to leads us to where we stand now. It is not to leads us to a great fall or great glory but to find the greatest within ourselves or find the depths we can stumble our way into. This is mostly going to be based on what we accept, learn, or reject and ignore. It can be hard for us to calm our own raging emotions and have faith in our own logical practices. Seeing the blessing in blazing heat or feeling stillness in turbulent storms of actions and reactions around us. Knowing ourselves can be as important as knowing the skills to save another's life or soul. Getting lost in a purpose can make us just as lost within as it fulfills us. Being a friend changes as we change and the relationship ebbs and flows with experiences to make stronger ties and precious moments or burn bridges of trust and faith.

Sometimes learning when the strongest action we can take is standing still can be one of the hardest lessons. We are usually taught to get up and do something to get things to change or to walk in another direction. Sometimes watching the follow through is something bitter to swallow but refreshing after first impressions are over.

Sometimes it's hard to admit the one person we need in our corner is really our ownself. It's so easy to acknowledge that we sometimes need someone else but harder to admit to ourselves when our own doubts, insecurities and haunting memories are getting over riding our faith in our own strengths and abilties.

We each have a chosen set of interests and passions by nature and some by choice.

For now, the unknown to be embraced and that which was known to be distant and allowed to float by. Knowing what is to be can only be if we accept the unknown factors to hold our hand for the next step least at times knowing is just as hindering as being blind to the events around us.


Fear and Facces

It's amazing how I have been considered most titles... from pagan to christian right, from liberal without logic to republican conservative, to being trailer trash, to a mini socialite. 


It's all to me a form of discrimination to label anyone or anything we don't fully understand. So for me, everyone should be given an individual value if we are to ever to expect to break the cycles of apathy towards those who don't fit our own models. I am not a socialist by practice but I do have an open door policy. I don't have much money but if someone has the shakes and need a drink, I don't feel it's my place to judge their needs and wants so likely I will give my change. I have friends in most all religions, I have friends of many ethic backgrounds and people from all economical classes.  I am blessed that these people could look beyond labels, blinders or boxing me in before they got to know me. To me they really do prove that people. can be individuals and valued above colored blind or religious freedoms...I can be proud to be who I am without feeling that people would see it as hostile act towards them.


I made mistakes. I learned from them. I have pride I sometimes have to swallow. I have scars that I sometimes feel they need to hide. I am not perfect in most ways but I am perfect at being me and knowing I too sometimes judge when I shouldn't, give allowances that I shouldn't and critize when I have been just a guilt of the same error. I need to improve, that is where I trust my friends and families to step. Non-involvement might make it easier but I do believe in community and empathy even to those who might become a rival. There isn't a history that makes someone less valued, there isn't a family that reflects each of the individuals..


Not the best but I love to hear what people think and feel. I may not agree for me or my lifestyle but I hope to practice the belief that all views are important and has some seed of truth and divine spirit but it does get filtered through our experiences and polluted as we feel the need to impose it on others. Still working on it and wanting to improve to see the value of each person and not the labels we declared on others or even ourselves.

may monthly music oracle

May 1st: Up by the Saturdays
May 2nd: Eurotrash by Zeromancer
May 3rd: Sillyworld  by Stone Sour
May 4th: Criticize  by  Adelitas Way
May 5th: Troubled Dreams by Mankind is Obsolete
May 6th: The Apex Doctrine  by  System Divide
May 7th: Energy  by  Skillet
May 8th: Ave Maria  by  Charles Gounod
May 9th: Unexpected by  Neuroticfish
May 10th: Motivation  by  Kelly Rowland
May 11th: Best In Me  by  Sent By Ravens
May 12th: Watch me  by  Bella Throne
May 13th: Watching over Me  by  Thousand Foot Krutch
May 14th: King  by  King Gordy
May 15th: All Pro  by  Esham
May 16th: Rest in Pieces  by  Mesh
May 17th: Cold Comfort (Run Level Zero)  by  Pzychobitch
May 18th: Halielujah by  Alexandra Burke
May 19th: Ok  by  Psy'aviah
May 20th: Smoot flavor  by Novastar
May 21st: Transfer:complete  by  Icon of Coil
May 22nd: It's not Me It's You  by  Skillet
May 23rd: Nothing Nowhere  by  Jakalope
May 24th: Bleed Me Dry  by  The Murder of My Sweet
May 25th: Drive  by  Assemblage 23
May 26th: Beautiful  by  Anders Manga
May 27th: No Transmission  by  Endanger
May 28th: Streetcorner Symphony by Rob Thomas
May 29th:  The Sparrows and The Nightingales  by  Wolfsheim
May 30th: Black Dahlia  by  Hollywood Undead
May 31st: Too Late  by  Dead By Sunrise

comments and letters

Hi everyone,
I wanted to thank everyone for the comments and letters of support and understanding. I haven't gotten back to replie for everyone yet but I wanted to leave a note so you all know it was acknowledged and I will respond within the next couple of days.


Thank you all again!

Music 22nd to 3pth

22nd: Elements  by Necessary Response
23rd: Stand Up (extended mix) by Stromkern
24th: Hooked (Redical Mix)  by  Seabound
25th: Epiphany  by  Solitary Experiments
26th: Master  by  Interlace
27th: Like Every Insect  by  System Syn
28th: Supernova  by  Syrian
29th: Docment (original mix) by  Assemblage 23
30th: If We Stay Here  by  Mesh


Music for 8-14
8th: Sealed with a kiss  by Jason Donovan
9th: Vapor by  Necessary Response
10th: Grace  by  Leandra
11th: Evacuate the Dance Floor  by  Cascada
12th: Obstinance  by  Flesh Field
13th: Love in Stereo  by  Sky Ferreira
14th: If You Wanna Get to Heaven  by  he Ozark Mountain Daredevils

music for Apirl 1st to 7th

1st: Envoi  by absynthe Minded
2nd:  Akua Tuta  by  Kashtin
3rd:  Catastrophe  by  Anders Manga
4th:  The Rain within Her Hands  by  Belle Morte
5th:  Send me an Angel  by  Zeromancer (next post about it)
6th: Entropy  by  Informatik
7th: Rock and Rock Lullaby


Giving up and getting attention

Sometimes it's difficult to believe people drawn to drama that the event is as damaging to them as they really speak of it...but it changes when the drama becomes quiet and indifferent. When the 'I can't go on' becomes a 'whats the point trying'... when the caps in writing becomes more formal and impersonal or the tears and silent and for a change they hide them.


It indeed makes the event MORE now to us outside of the mind. When we see someone who never want to shrug the smallest thing off starts trying to numb out and not ever care about issues that had matter... The alarms go off and the height of awareness flares. However, with drama seekers, these few events doesn't always result in something serious but a sudden understand that for a change it really is hurting unlike the past, the true questions of how to move forward or even how to communicate what happened or what one really feels strangles in their throat...and as an outsider initial all we can do is offer silent support and encourage them to talk, to cry and t accept the depths the events.



March 1st: Smoke  by Assemblage 23
March 2nd: Lonely  by  Shannon Noll
March 3rd: Do I Need A Reason  by  D'sound
March 4th: Ondine's Curse  by  Ashentide
March 5th: Anarchy  b Skazi
March 6th: Here Comes The Rain by Eurythmics
March 7th: In This Together  by Apopgyma Bezerk
March 8th: The Thin Ghost  by  The Hare and the Moon.
March 9th: I Don't Want To Wait  by  Paula Cole
March 10th: The Loss. The Fall. The End.  By Before and After Science
March 11th: Ugly  by  Sugababes 
March 12th: Denied  by  Sonic Syndicate
March 13th: Together We Can Shine  by  Andien
March 14th: Telling Lies  by  Grafton Primary
March 15th: The Best It's Gonna Get  by  Celldweller
March 16th: Here Me Now  by  Endless Shame
March 17th: Silence  by  Selena  Cross
March 18th: Your Loving Arms (club mix)  by  Karen Overton
March 19th: Made In Heaven  by  Deine Lakaien
March 20th: Sacred Smoke  by Eric Casillas
March 21st: Everything  Burns  by  Ben Moody (ft. Anastasia)
March 22nd: Stay  by  Shakespear's sister
March 23rd: Holle (meow mix)  by  Ivoux
March 24th: Paper Mansion  by  Dottie West
March 25th:  Reach Down  by  Scarlet Haze
March 26th:  Forever (psymix by negative format)  by  Bruderschaft
March 27th: Garden of Dreams  by  Gary Stadler
March 28th: Mo Ba Bin  by  Flip Kowlier
March 29th: Goodbye  by  Bow Ever Down
March 30th: Flight  by Cesium 137
March 31st: Nobot  by  Darkology
My 36th Year: Voices Carry  by Til Tuesday
Body; Party Til We Die  by  Corporate Soldiers
Mind; Heaven Only Knows  by  Richard Marx
Spirit; Black Sky  by  Meden Agan


Geology in NM....for those interested
feil has been getting into geology a bit more even on a few field trips.. I know a couple of you are interested in rocks and science soo thought I would mention he put up a little journal, with photos, about Bandelier (Other part not to famous cave dwelling section) for you all could spend a moment looking it over.

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas! Blessed Solstice, and all the other reasons to celebrate! 


A few of my cards were late getting off due to me being ill most of the month. Hopefully everyone will get them by the weekend! Have a blessed new year!

Land, Cold toes and a cold.

A brief update before I sleep. We haven't had the time or energy we hoped to go to the land since the summer. We did get the shed up for supplies and basics so we wouldn't need to haul everything each time. We did see the results of a minor flash flood. We are on the lower side of the hill so quite a bit of water gathers at the foot of the land near the main bridge. We may be a wee bit of a rough drive way on that side but looking at maybe taking the time, energy and Mooney to make a nice bridge. Really don't need it but I think it will look nice and we won't have to rebuild the drive way if we get more flash floods.


When I was a kid there was no worried when I would be outside barefoot. Even in winter it never bothered me. When I was a teenager and did some backpacking and winter camping then it became over an issue. When I first got mild frost bite it didn't seem like a deal but a few repeats and such and now days it's so hard to keep me toes comfortable. Too cold most of the time and buring up other times. Last doc I talked to about it told me just try to wear double socks... well that didn't help. If my toes start to sweat, they start to ache so them being a little cold is usually better then too warm and increased ache.  :-(  Wish there was a way to find a happy medium with my toes.


The last week and a few days I went from a sinus infection to a head cold to a chest cold and now both a lingering head/chest cold and the guys got it too. :-(  I am a couple of weeks behind in my math class (I can not believe how much I forgot!) and will mostly be working on it for most of the weekend. Took m history midterm and got a 100 (kinda let us check out work which helped!) and only an 80 on my Anthro chapter that I skimmed through. Althought I thought I would have no problem getting an A...if I keep slipping on the chapter tests I won't be able to get better than a B. How I am not happy right now with my glitchy brain!


Carrying Stars to The future

Hi everyone,


I have added a few active writers  here on LJ over the last few months. Mainly a lot of the old journals are not daily writers, or write in groups (fanfic and ssuch) which I don't regularly read. I do check my friend's page a few times a week at the least do I am reading even I am not writing much. I don't mind removing friends when I know they moved else where or started  a different account but otherwise I keep the friend in hopes they might come back or start writing again. so in that aspect, I am hoarding friends but sadly it's not reflective in my friends page due to many being offline or inactive.


If you like comments, just comment here and I will tgake note and try to make point to comment to the entries I read. I haven't read as regularly I had over the summer since I have returned to school part time and struggling with being back in study modes.


I also been fighting a bit of a headache the last few days so that's been playing havoc with my vision. So there is that recent delay as well.


I know I have been going a bit heavy with music and most of you probably got in a habit of skipping over them but when I do feel a bit restless or too much in mind going on it is a why to make me at least get on here and see if something 'clicks' where I might write more instead of  going within which I have bad habit of doing at times and need to get much better of writing things out before the overwhelm my brain. Too much makes it more difficult to write and usually ends up getting maybe a paragraph or two out before I move on.... a sign of my higher level of input instead of a output when I know writing becomes difficult to do but also shades of my own efforts.


I hope everyone is having a great week!

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Music for the 18th

Song of the day;  Faithfully  by  Journey


Mind: 24 hours  by  4th25
Body:  Woman of Earth  By  Spiral Dance
Spirit:  The Truth Behind  By  Tothem
Cloudy: Lake Charlevoux  by Dana Falconberry
Byron: Never Ending Stories  by Limahl
Swizzle: The Rain Within Her Hands  by Belle Morte
Cd; Silences  by  Mandragora Scream
Medic:  Drown  by  Imperative Reaction
Hermit: Amsterdam  by Luminary


September Music
1st: Three Days Grace  ~ Riot
2ns: Whisperium ~ Agony
3rd: Sebastien  ~  Remiel in Flames
4th: DJ Roxx  ~  Rock the Bass
5th: Belle Morte  ~  Fall No More
6th: Yazoo ~  Don't Go
7th: Gareth Gates  ~  Anyone Of Us
8th: Guns N' Roses  ~  Welcome To the Jungle
9th: Meden Agan  ~  Universe Unseen
10th: Ronny Rainbow  ~  2204
11th: Player  ~ Baby Come Back
12th:Glen Campbell  ~ Old Toy Trains
13th: De/Vision  ~  Back In My Life
14th: Autograph  ~  Turn Up the Radio
15th: China Anne McClain  ~ Calling All The Monsters
16th: Ex Libris  ~  Breathe With Me
17th: Ravenfrost  ~  Kenophobia
18th: Michael Bolton ~ Missing You Now
19th: Pure Prairie League  ~  Amie
20th: Serj Tankian  ~  Saving Us
21st: Paula  ~  Crazy Cool
22nd:Fear of Tigers  ~ I Can Make The Pain Disappear
23rd: Young Wa  ~  It's Official
24th: A Perfect Circle  ~  Annihilation
25th: Michelle Mays ~ Fireleap
26th: Realtime Travelers  ~  Like A Songbird That Has Fallen
27th: Binocular ~  You
28th: Mesh ~ Petrified
29th: Toby Keith  ~  He Ain't Worth Missing
30th: Lil' Wayne  ~  Drop the World

August music
1. Aftermath  by  Battery
2. Everything I do  by  Bryan Adams
3. Suffocating Right  by  Neuroticfish
4. Razorwire by  Mesh
5. Faith  by Sandy Scofield
6. My Roots Are Showing  by  Crystal Shawanda
7. Remember the Name  by  Fort Minor
8. Heaven's waiting by XXX's car ride
9. The End by  Frozen Plasma
10. Reload Your Life  by  Blue Hand
11. Souls of My Ancestors  by  Delia Charika
12. Ikkunaprinsessa  by Ville Vato
13. Walhalla  by  Gouryella
14. The Lead Sprinkler  By  John 5
15. Call The Ships Into Port  by  Covenant
16. A Simple Restriction  by  God Module
17. Cast away  by  Stromkern
18. Faithfully  by  Journey
19. East Virginia  by  Buell Kazee
20. Uninvited  by  Alanis Morissette
21. Chill  by  Kevin Cadogan
22. Overdue n by  Bloodwire
23. Wolfen One  by  Heather Alexander
24. Demeter's Daughter  by  Shawna Carol
25. Promises Made  by  Tiffany
26. What You're Made of  by  Lucie Silvas
27. Fight Inside  by  Red
28. Frozen Tears  by  Mishi Donovan
29. She's Not the Cheatin' Kind  by  Brooks & Dunn
30. Picking Fights  by  Kyle Smith
31. Where do I Fit In The Picture  by  Clay Walker

Mind: Trying To Love You  by  Trisha Yearwood
Body: Keeping Coming Back  by  Haley Reinhart
Spirit: Too Bad  by Nickelback

Todays music
A quickie here...

Overall song: I Knew You Were Waiting  by Aretha Franklin & George Michaels
Mind: My Side of the Story  by  Hodges
Body:We Are The Music  by  Grafton Primary
Spirit: Song of the Martyr   by  Imperative Reaction

songs of the day

Been a long Sunday and honestly forgot to do music for yesterday so probably was a blessing. Up and down day for me. Hopefully I will be calmer tomorrow and not in so much discomfort from my body.


Overall: Eclipse  by  Apoptygma Berzerk
This song's start kinda reflects some of how I feel life is trying to be for me.


Mind: Shelter  by  Icon of Coil
In a lot of ways this song reminds me of my 1st husband. He was a good man and tried so hard to make this a better place. He left us way to soon. I often feel I failed to have the life and impact that he gave his all for. In a lot of ways I wonder if he along was able to the fate was suppose lie ahead of me. As silly as it sounds he seemed to have such confidence that the chaotic ways of the world was just a well designed ballet and he proudly accepted his steps. I wish that was something I could tap into.


Body: Real To Me  by  Brian  McFadden


  This seems most likely something that could never really fit me life. My guys work is real and their plans as real as they come and something they can take pride in. The home life for most of is second thought and our focus flickers on the home life from time to time. Usually more a figment of a blurry dream floating on by.


Spirit: Forgotten Hopes  by  Anathema


First time hearing it. wondering how deep it can travel.


Since I feel the need for music adding a few more...


Song of the North: Not Meant to Be  by  Theory Of A Deadman


This would fit so many friendships that drifted in and out of my life.  There is a statement in there that really shows my own thoughts a bit. 'Can't give you want and it's killing me'


Song of the East: When They Come For Me  By  Linkin Park
  Well its an interesting song.


Song of the South: Ignite  by  Diorama
  I can't recall the song so it's a first.


Song of the West: Further to Fall  by Imperative Reaction


..........hrm.... not crazy about the song here.



Todays music
Overall:  Trouble Mind  by  Catie Curtis   (This could be a good song for me some days. )
Mind:  Been So Long  by  Soldier Hard   (hrm...)
Body: Love Like Crazy  by  Lee Brice  (Might be an interesting day with this song. :P)
Spirit: Fire  by  Matthew "Mdot" Finley
My Shadow self:  Sometimes   by   Deine Lakaien (This is indeed a song I have used when I have questioned my own journey and beliefs so fitting for a shadow-side of me. )

This weekend is going to be pretty long but looking forward to it. Hopefully the move for social hour will be smooth enough to make it a quick and painless transition. I just hope this heat will lessen by Sunday! :(


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